I am much less naive [than at the start] and can see that there are many people that are manipulative and who use the scene to gain access to vulnerable individuals. I’ve heard multiple accounts of consent violations or poor behaviour, and seen poor behaviour such as not respecting safewords (a mutually agreed word that allows anyone involved to end a situation).
Manipulation can be subtle, but after hearing accounts about people I thought were trustworthy, I am much more aware that those who preach about safety on the scene are often hiding their own poor behaviours.
I’m much more wary of people who run events and I have gained a lot of confidence in how to give and ask for consent. I was easily led in the early days. Although I was aware of consent and how to ask/give it, it was something that I needed to practice and gain confidence in.
I have a good set of friends and feel generally more confident at events, so I now feel that if there was any issue around consent, I have people watching out for me.
Tell us why consent is important?
Consent is important as it is the only way to ensure that another person is happy with what you are doing. Without consent, many actions and even words are abusive. If consent is not discussed, the lines between consensual fun and abuse are not defined.
What does informed consent means within the world of kink?
Consent means that it is up to each individual to agree to what is and is not okay and that no one should do anything without gaining consent first. This includes any form of touching or even verbal play. It is also important in my long-term relationship, as I give my consent for my partner to play with others (and vice versa).
When I first played with my now long-term partner Eist, we were already friends and had seen each other play with other people, but we ran through questions such as where touching was allowed, what clothes could be removed and whether kissing was allowed.
Now our consent is more practical, based around whether my back is okay or whether we want others to join in with play. So Eist might say ‘can X join us?” And my response might be yes, but hitting only, no sexual touching or I might say yes, anything is okay (Eist knows my standing hard limits, so he tends to communicate this to others in play as him taking care of me like that is a turn on for me).
Consent of playing with others is never assumed and he always checks with me first. If he broke this rule that we agreed, our relationship would be over as it would be a breach of trust. If I did not have the agreement that I get to say yes or no to him playing with another person, I would not be able to have a relationship with him. I also have a set of rules I made for his play with others, such as not sleeping in the same bed.